Today I want to be honest with you.
I struggle, I have and in a small way always will struggle with an eating disorder.
When I was 16 years old, a really popular guy asked me out, and I said no. He then whispered something to a friend who looked at me and laughed. I didn’t know what he said, but as a defence responded with “I heard that”. As I was leaving school a girl stopped me in front of the whole school, she yelled “he says sorry for calling you a fat c… !” I was horrified, embarrassed and within seconds my life changed.
That one sentence changed my life, I never thought someone could impact me in the way it did. I’m pretty strong. I don’t take any crap, but some how this struck me at the heart of my being.
From that day onwards, I instantly stopped eating. I would allow myself 2 nibbles of a snack bar a day. This meaning I had to be very strategic as to when I would have them. I only did this to stop my stomach rowling in class, I also drank a ridiculous amount of water in an attempt to keep myself full.
Dinner time was the worst time of the day, I’d dread the thought of having to sit with my family, I could feel them watching me and tracking how much I ate.
I started throwing out things from the cupboard when I got to school as I knew my mum was tracking all foods. I was so calculated I could have worked for the FBI. I knew what they were thinking, I could even see them count how many peas I ate. It was awful. I made my mum cry every day. nothing is worse than knowing you’re the reason someone is hurting so badly, but being able to stop yourself.
The following year showed a drastic change in my appearance, I lost 30kg and went on a full rampage anytime someone brought up my lack of eating. I didn’t eat recess or lunch once in my 3 years at my senior high school. Even my friends can recall never seeing me eat. My secret highlight of graduating high school was knowing no one would know what I was eating in a day.
I couldn’t stay awake, I couldn’t remember things. I started to realise something was really wrong. I went to the doctor and although he asked if my eating habits had changed, I continued to lie. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism- I was a staggering 40 years under the average age of diagnosis. It was brought on by my lack of eating. This condition is permanent, I’ll have it for the rest of my life.
My ex actually was the one who stopped me. He let me down and was so toxic in many ways, but actually saved me on this important one. I guess I’ll always be grateful for that.
He sat me down one day and said to me; “I love you more than life itself but won’t watch you waste yours. You need to get better or I’ll have to leave, I can’t watch the person I love disappear”
Although we didn’t work out (and for the best!!) I will always appreciate that.
I am in no way okay, over it, and truthfully I think about my weight at all hours of the day, every day. But I eat. I eat every meal and eat junk food too. I push it to the back of my mind most times and by the way I am a very normal size.
I guess my message is, don’t let anyone have an effect on you through words. Words mean nothing unless you give them the power to. I now have a life long condition that started prematurely, purely because of the words of some random guy in high school. A guy who was mad because I rejected him.
Be kind to yourself and one another
All my love,
Aesthetically Basic – A millennial’s guide to life